There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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