I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
