Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
