I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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