So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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