At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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