i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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