i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize