my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
