I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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