I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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