i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
