My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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