I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
