One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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