i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
