no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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