Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
