well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
