I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
