I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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