Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
