Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
