Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
