Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
