i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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