Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
