The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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