Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
