Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
