Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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