I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
