i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
