Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Randomize
