I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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