I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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