I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
