I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
