They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Randomize
