just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
