Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
