Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
