the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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