had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize