Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
