There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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