my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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