I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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