Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
