I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
