My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
