Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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