if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
