last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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