so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
this hospital has no fireball
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
