When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
