I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
