I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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