you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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