Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
