Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
