Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize